Bloggosaurus Rex, Day 153: Enter Title Here

March 2nd, 2011

ENTER TITLE HERE are almost the first words I see every day.

I come downstairs, caffeinate until I can think in complete sentences but not until I become Charlie Sheen, and turn on the computer.  Go to the “Dashboard” for this blog, clear away the 30 or 40 spam offers of penis enlargement pills and opportunities to get millions of dollars out of Nigerian banks, and hit ADD NEW POST.

And see ENTER TITLE HERE.  Not the easiest route to inspiration, being in the imperative and all.

Still, most days, I sail past it, having grabbed onto some fragmentary thought, or having actually experienced something, in my increasingly solitary life, that’s interesting enough to blog about.  (It was actually easier to come up with stuff back in the rainbow days of Wumsy and Universal Sweetness, but I had the sense that others were tiring of it.)

On the other hand, some days I hit those words and feel like a test crash dummy.

Today is obviously one of those days.  And no wonder, what with this being the 153rd day and all.

So I thought I’d make a transparent play for sympathy by listing some of the things I’m not doing when I see ENTER TITLE HERE.

I’m not telling you jokes anyone else told me.

I’m not writing about the upcoming, world-paradigm-shifting nuptials of Prince William and what’s-her-name.

I’m not writing the almost requisite “think piece” on why stars such as Lohan and Sheen go so tragically awry and placing it in the larger framework of this era of instant gratification and then moving global to suggest that this is the kind of wretched excess that fuels militant Islam. Anyway, I don’t believe it.  Those guys are just pissed off because they’re ignorant, benighted, permanently hotwired paupers who can’t find the toilet paper in a Charmin factory and whose reaction to everything is to blow it up or cut off its head.

I’m not pushing for re-evaluation of rockers from the 60s and 70s who have been consigned to the Aged Cheese shelf when they were so clearly better than that.  One example: Neil Diamond. I know that nobody ever wants to hear “Cracklin’ Rosie” again, but turn it up and listen anyway:  Cracklin Rosie

I’m not criticizing Anne Hathaway for her performance on the Oscars, although there was a time in my life when I’d be trying to find out what, exactly, James Franco was on and how expensive it was.

I’m not doing rants, unless you count that mild paragraph up there about militant Islam.  I’ve learned my lesson about rants.

So let me turn it over to you.  What else should I not do as the search for topics becomes even more desperate?  Is there anything you definitely don’t want to see in this space ever?

11 Responses to “Bloggosaurus Rex, Day 153: Enter Title Here”

  1. EverettK Says:

    The name S*r*h P*l*n.
    Pictures of same.
    The name G**rg* W B*sh.
    Pictures of the same.
    The names you have for your Johnson.
    Pictures of you in your bath robe with your legs spread.

    However, to be a glass-half-full guy, I WOULD like to see:

    Snippets of current writing.

    Stories from your past.

    Your thoughts on most any subject. I suspect we could pick just about ANY subject, the more boring the better, and you could write an entertaining blog on it. For example, tell us about mold. How does it affect you personally? Where does it live in your house? Do you consider it a friend or an enemy? Do you think mold is political? Should mold be eradicated from the face of the earth? Why or why not? Do you think DaVinci left secret messages in the DNA of mold?

    Enquiring minds, and all that…

  2. Suzanna Says:

    I could live out my life completely satisfied without another word about the Kardashian family and all of the others in the completely played out reality TV category.

    Other than that topic I welcome more of the kinds of explorations you have come up with already and even some of the ones you’ve listed today as ones you won’t be covering.

    In particular I have enjoyed your own real life stories.

    If I may, since you brought it up, my guess is Franco smoked some weed. By the looks of him at his pre-show interview I was amazed he could see straight and read or say his lines. Anne Hathaway could have used a little of what he had. Her chipper factor was off the charts. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

    Don’t despair Timmy, it doesn’t matter what you write. Most of us will show up regardless.

    You know, maybe you can try to blog about whatever you randomly select. Sounds deadly in a way, especially if you select something really weird like fungus research but if you’re in a pinch for a topic just design something similar to what some of us did here a little while ago to name a band, find an album title, and cover art. You could figure out a way to only use sites that would avoid things like fungus research. Just a thought.

  3. Suzanna Says:

    Oh how hilarious. I hadn’t seen Everett’s suggestion to write about mold before I wrote about ways to avoid writing about fungus. I guess you must be completely confused now.

    P.S. Forget everything I said. Write whatever you want.

  4. EverettK Says:

    🙂 Great minds, Suzanna, great minds!

  5. Lil Gluckstern Says:

    So how disappointed were you in the Academy Awards? I’m with Suzanna on Anne Hathaway, but at least she was a trooper-I mean, who is James Franco? I don’t think mold is a topic I could get exercised about, but write what you want. I’m with the others-I would love to hear more about your Asian travels, and what you think about the philosophy, spiritual and practicality of what you’ve seen, and how it was to become immersed in L.A. culture. See how interesting you are.

  6. Phil Hanson Says:

    Just pick a topic and go for it, Tim. What you write about is not nearly as important as how you write about it (it helps if you recall Guy de Maupassant’s short story, A Piece of String); pick the most innocuous subject you can think of, then surprise everyone.

  7. Gary Says:

    Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V.

    When in doubt just plagiarize. If it’s good enough for (former) Doctor Baron Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg then it’s good enough for the rest of us.

    [Disclaimer: I copied the “Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V” idea from the BBC website, but I changed their + into -. So it’s not really copying, is it?]

  8. Robb Royer Says:

    I’m getting a little verklemt… tap dance Tim… I’ll give you some topics:

    1. To what degree was Metternich the last Hobbesean?

    2. Did Pico della Mirandola really know everything?

    3. What the hell is this string theory thing about?


  9. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Everett, actually “Sarah Palin” is one of the names I have for my Johnson. And I’ve just thought of a really tasteless reason why, which I won’t be sharing here. And there will never be another picture of me in this blog. after everyone thought I was shirtless in a bathrobe when I showed you where I write. Shirtless — with a $40 silk/cotton T-shirt on. I ask you!

    The mold piece was half-written when Suzanna’s response landed. Fungus research is just so much more interesting than mold that I scrapped the mold piece and am now well into an amusingly presumptuous essay on mushrooms and tree ears, and why some of them are poisonous while others frequently surface in Chinese food.

    I thought Anne Hathaway had to push it a little just to raise the average to the point where both hosts were alive and sentient. I wasn’t sure I wasn’t watching the first Zombie Oscars. Did you read where he flew straight back to NY after the ceremony, not attending his own party and stranding his grandmother?

    Hi, Lil — I think that watching the Academy Awards is one of life’s best opportunities to exercise Buddhist detachment, since you know that you’re going to realize, ninety seconds in, that you’ve just committed three hours of your life to the worst show of the year. But the gowns are pretty, and it’s nice to watch the world’s most overprivileged people celebrate themselves. It’s such a nice break from having other people celebrate them.

    Hey, Phil, and thanks for the contention, that what I write about is less important than how I write about it. If that weren’t true, no one would be reading this blog, since fully one-third of these pieces have essentially been the dribblings of a writer trying to bring himself up to speed. Still, the most thrilling thing about writing (and I mean that word “thrilling” literally) is that something frequently comes from nothing, thereby knocking Fred Hoyle’s deservedly forgotten Steady-State Universe Theory into the inescapable cocked hat.

    Gary, I raised Fred Hoyle just by way of demonstrating that I actually AM capable of dealing with your ever-expanding frame of reference. Karl (etc.) Guttenberg, for those of you who don’t subscribe to Die Gusundheit, was the Defense Minister (or something) of Germany before it was revealed (nice passive construction there) that he’d cribbed his entire doctoral thesis. He was forced to resign, which is yet another confirmation that German takes doctoral theses more seriously than we do. And the Ctrl-v thing is a keyboard shortcut (remember those?) for cut-and-paste.

    And, Robb, speaking of frames of reference. I’ve written and discarded a piece on Metternich and Hobbes because the topic is just so worn out. On the other hand, I remain enamored of a world so smug in its sense that it’s all that matters, that it could believe that any of its members knows everything. That’s the kind of thinking we need today. It’s the Palin Construction: When the world seems complicated, it’s just because there are too many facts lying around.

  10. Phil Hanson Says:

    “When the world seems complicated, it’s just because there are too many facts lying around.”

    Most of them twisted.

  11. Larissa Says:

    Here’s one: Recaptcha: They nourf…how do they do that exactly? Go! (c;

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