REVEALED: Wumsy Runs for President!

April 18th, 2011

The mystery of Donald Trump’s hair has been solved.

He combs it that way to hide his ears.

Yes, for all these years, “Donald Trump” has been an imposture.  The glittering business career, the multiple bankruptcies, the wives, the plausible children — even the television show — have all been Deep Cover for America’s first presidential candidate who’s actually a rabbit, rumors about Jimmy Carter notwithstanding.

The Trump campaign is backpedaling furiously to explain the photo on the right above.  This expression momentarily crossed “Trump’s” face when he saw, on the edge of the crowd, a child who had been handed a healthful carrot by her mother throw it to the ground and stamp on it, shouting, “Ice cream.  I want ice cream.”   As the child’s foot hit the carrot, years of media training went out the window, and for a brief moment, Wumsy stood revealed.

But how, you might ask, would rabbits contrive such a scheme?  (And if you’re one of those who might not ask, here’s a crackerjack article just for you about the refraction of light from Wikipedia.)

Sit by the fire now, and I’ll explain.  Almost 50 years ago, in 1963, a drive-in theater in Nebraska began to show “The Manchurian Candidate,” and all the rabbits whose holes had been dug inside the (unpaved) theater poked up their little bunny heads to watch, because,  of course, Angela Lansbury is actually a rabbit.   (To be precise, Angela Lansbury is a long procession of rabbits, since no rabbit lives to be 142.)   And as they realized that Laurence Harvey could be president, the seed of a decades-long plot was born.

An obscure young man from New Jersey, Donald Trump, Sr. drew rabbit attention when he won the Atlantic City Monopoly Tournament, acquiring Park Place in record time.  He was guided in his subsequent real estate career by telepathic messages sent from the Great Ears, and as he prospered, his young son, Donald, Jr., was gradually replaced by rabbits.  This might not have been possible if Donald, Sr. had been paying closer attention to the boy, but he was deeply involved in his business.  He didn’t even notice when The Haircut appeared on “Little Donald’s” eleventh birthday.

(By the way, this is the only haircut ever to be accepted by the Museum of Modern Art.)

With the White House gleaming at the end of the trail, no detail was too small to be obsessed over.  Just one example: Rabbits have limited paw flexibility, and now that you know that, pay special attention to “Trump’s” patented “You’re fired” gesture.  In fact all his hand movements will take on new significance in light of this knowledge.

I’ve been asked not to reveal the secret platform on which “Trump” is running , but I have been given permission to identify some other “humans” who are actually rabbits.

Rob Schneider, and the only “person” in the world who will hire him . . .

Adam Sandler

The internationally-recognized creator of hare-brained schemes . . .

L. Ron Hubbard.

And — most shocking of all, in a parlay that will put rabbits in charge on both sides of the Atlantic . . .

Prince William.

With a rabbit on the throne right next door, the French, who eat more rabbit than any other people on earth, had better pull that white flag of surrender out of storage.  Rabbit payback is coming.

14 Responses to “REVEALED: Wumsy Runs for President!”

  1. Suzanna Says:

    Ingenious! How did you first realize that THE DONALD and WUMSY not only shared exact facial expressions but were actually related?

    By the way, I think that Tilda Swinton is also actually a rabbit.

    Thanks for this. It is really funny.

  2. Tom Logan Says:

    Tim, you ain’t right!

  3. Laren Bright Says:

    Did you HAVE to reveal this scant days before the Easter Trump makes its rounds? Have you no shame?

  4. Maria Yolanda Aguayo Says:

    Hilariously funny notion. I loved the array of rabbit dentures in all the pictures. LOL!! Those are their real teeth.
    The more outrageous Trump becomes the bigger his chances are to create the media splashes he hungers for his own benefit. Can this be a serious idea? He figures he’s smarter than Palin and has more money. I just want to hide under my rock. All the nonsensical political clout given to all those outrageously laughable RABBITS gets me scared and mad.
    It’s a Mad Mad World after all.

  5. EverettK Says:

    I was laughing earlier today (sick laughter) because I realized that two (count ’em TWO) “reality TV stars” could be running for president this year. Trump and Palin deserve each other.

    Then I just about spit on my computer screen (from surprise) when I brought up your blog, and hear’s Wumsy and The Donald (wouldn’t that make a great children’s book? No? Well, I suppose not…)

    You’re a National Treasure, Tim!

  6. Stephen Cohn Says:

    He’d have to be a natural born rabbit to run for president, yes? I think we should have a look at his birth certificate.

  7. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    I appreciate all these comments, but I feel as though I really should let you know what a difficult scoop this was, and the degree to which I risked my life to break the story. Deep Stoat, whose identity I can’t reveal, just kept telling me, “Follow the carrots,” and I did to what – in all modesty – is the story of a lifetime. Let’s see whether the mainstream media have the cojones to pick it up and run with it. Personally, I doubt it.

    Everett, glad you got a laugh out of it, but we’re only six to eight years from the ultimate reality show, “The First Family,” actually set in the White House. We’ll have not only a president and a First Lady or First Husband, but also a First Son and First Daughter, first Mother-In-Law, etc. And it WILL happen.

    Yolanda, the only thing Trump might be right about is that he’s smarter than Palin. I have furniture smarter than Palin. (Palin is, of course, a rabbit, too.) The national dance is going to be the bunny hop.

    Laren wins. The Easter Trump is the worst idea of all times.

    And Tom, thank you. Humbly.

    Suzanna, I tried for half an hour to come up with a female rabbit other than Angela Lansbury, and I can’t believe I didn’t hit on Swinton. Or Palin, for that matter.

    Aren’t those expressions amazing? When I saw the picture of Trump on the HuffPo, I laughed out loud.

  8. Robb Royer Says:

    Now, Tim, I have heard writers almost as notable as yourself aver that what is on top of Trump’s head is, in fact, a badger. This calls your entire theory into question. How can there be a rabbit with a badger on his head?

  9. Larissa Says:

    Everett-to edit the editor: Unless you were making a pun on “ears” then you put hear’s and not here’s….

    Tim-I’m not sure who to send this to first. (c: But I’m going to have to do it fast because people at work will start to suspect if I sit here with a mix of disgust and “giggle” on my face much longer. (c:

  10. Kevin Says:

    I regret not becoming Adam Sandler’s best friend when I had the chance.

  11. David Jenkins Says:

    Tim, at this point I think it would be good to ask Trump’s wife: does Donald f*** like a rabbit? If no, then your premise doesn’t hold water (or whatever that liquid is).

  12. EverettK Says:

    Larissa: Thanks, no pun, just my usual error when typing faster than the speed of eyes. 🙂

    David: Thanks, but no thanks. That was a visual I could have done without. Now it’s probably stuck in my head for the rest of my life. Now every time I see his picture, that’s what will come to mind… 🙁 Given what I’ve seen of him in interviews, I suspect that the most common phrase to come out of the mouths of his ‘partners’ is: “You’re FIRED!”

  13. Sarah Says:

    If it is true that he actually said something about the same old racist dialog about Obama’s birth place and that he would actually reveal it .. he is tackier and more stupid than I thought. Sort of sad that he has been successful on television with that show I have never seen. But I know it must be on TV. Dumbing/Scumming down America and American Businessmen

  14. personal trainer course Says:

    LOL, a rabbit in human clothing. Who knew that Trump had ambitions like this. A rabbit making it big in business is not enough, this rabbit even wants the power of Washington.

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