Hair Apparent

April 25th, 2011

At long last, you, too can be a Trumpahairic.

Most people wear their hair in a way that’s based on the way it grows naturally.  I don’t have a natural part, for example, while Munyin’s hair parts itself down the middle all on its own, as straight as the path of a bullet.

Which makes it all the more remarkable that Donald Trump’s ear-disguising Trumpfro is also based on the way his hair naturally grows.  In a genetic anomaly that’s rarer than three front teeth, Trump inherited his pattern of hair growth from four separate ancestors. He has to comb it that way.

If you want to imitate the Donald’s do, here’s how — and as you do, you can marvel along with me at the notion that anyone’s hair grows naturally like this,

One: The first step in doing the Trump is to comb forward the hair that grows abnormally long about midway back on the left side of his scalp.  This hair is approximately seven inches long, and if any of it comes too far forward, Trump folds it under and glues it down, being understandably reluctant to let scissors get anywhere near him.  His attitude toward his hair is much like his attitude toward his money: He likes what he’s got, he makes it look like more than it actually is, and he’s keeping it.

The purpose of this first strategic feint of hair from the back of the head toward the front of the head is to prevent scalp from shining through in the event something disturbs the hair employed in move number two.

Two, comb forward the abnormally long hair that grows about midway back on the right side of his scalp. While the hair in Step One is pasted to the scalp with Trump Library Glue, the hair in Step Two, which has absorbed an amount of conditioner that even Stephen Hawking admits is literally infinite, is fluffed and teased until it looks like dandelion floss.  This is the glamour hair.  It and the much less famous hair beneath it cross each other at approximately a 45-degree angle.  The glamour hair is given a twee  flip-under at the ends so it looks a little, a very little, like a wave.

Three, and perhaps most remarkably, Trump has a completely natural part that begins above and behind his left ear, mmm-hmm, he does, and the hair on either side of that part grows naturally back at a 40 degree angle away from all the other hair. Phew.  So he simply grows that hair out until it’s long enough to go kind of Senatorial, and just lets it fall, um, naturally.

The other ear is fringed by hair that actually has its roots within surface-mail distance, making it the most prosaic area of the entire subdivision.

For a while, Cold War historians offered the theory that the Trumpfro had been inspired by the revised map of Yugoslavia after the collapse of its government and the rise of such bristlingly different pseudo-states as Kosovo and Serbia.  Under this theory, the four completely independent hair areas — or, as specialists call them, haireas — duplicated the new borders,  and the directions in which the hair was combed were based upon patterns of migration.

But now, thanks to Trump’s spokesperson, we know that the Donald’s hair is completely natural.

Even the color.

14 Responses to “Hair Apparent”

  1. Laren Bright Says:

    Being folically impHAIRed, I appreciate this fascinating lesson on pate grooming. Now could you please explain the patterns in his brain that must be equally convoluted.

  2. Tom Logan Says:

    And Wumsy?

  3. Gary Says:

    Haireas. I am left speechless.

    (Why aren’t there any Australian Trumps?)

  4. EverettK Says:

    …while Munyin’s hair parts itself down the middle all on its own, as straight as the path of a bullet.</i

    Me, too! (Unfortunately, my part is about 4 inches wide…)

  5. Stephen Cohn Says:

    Kudos for your continued focus on the Donald’s hair. Clearly, his uniqueness and creativity in this area is the best of what he has to offer us as the leader of the free world.

  6. suzanna Says:

    Thank you for deconstructing what has to be the most ridiculed hairdo on the planet. Until now I never bothered trying to understand what was going on there. But after carefully reviewing your notes, and with the use of the very helpful diagram you attached I think it’s fair to say that to simply call this a combover is not giving Trump’s Fro its due, or DO, if you like. It’s more like a comb over combined with a comb up and crisscross over since the back and sides all conspire to create the wispy pompadour in the front.

    Why oh why did I pay so much attention to this?

    By the way if you get any views of Trump’s hair while you’re in Manhattan please verify how far back hairea 2 begins. I had no luck locating any photographs of this mysterious region.

    EDGARS! Good luck, my friend!

  7. Phil Hanson Says:

    I wonder if the Donald has a clue about how buffoon-ish he really is; he makes Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler seem relatively normal by comparison. Am I wrong, or does his public persona help make the argument for putting restrictions on the acquisition of wealth?

  8. Robb Royer Says:

    1. Take your Donald Trump hair pattern and copy it onto a 24×36 sheet of paper.
    2. Replace squares and arrows with footprints a la Arthur Murray.
    3. Bingo! La Cucaracha.

  9. Philip Coggan Says:

    Fascinating. Looks like a map of the D-Day invasions. Or a CNN weathermap.

  10. micael hallinan Says:

    Those are the same lines used in measuring for a crown. When Trump is King remember you heard it here first.

  11. Gary Says:

    Well, Micael, Trump is always breaking records. Prince Charles recently achieved the longest wait as an heir apparent in British history, but I’m sure the Donald can top him.

  12. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Okay, I’m back in actual life, with the Edgar and New York and meeting the new publishers and a dozen other things now safely relegated to past tense.

    It’s immediately apparent that this post was not taken seriously. Laren with that almost Joycean (Brothers, not James) stream of puns, Gary, whom I have finally outpunned (it’s not that there are no Trumps in Australia; it’s that there are no Trumps outside New York. Trump is uniquely evolved for New York.) Everett, with a part wide enough to bowl on.

    What a bunch.

    Tom, Wumsy is waiting in the wings. We’ll not be free of Wumsy any time soon. And, of course, the whole hair thing is just a way of concealing those ears.

    Stephen, if you examine the approach he takes to his hair and then apply it to international relations, you have a clear preview of The Trump Years. Taking a Tough Line With China is just a matter of combing a trillion one-dollar bills over our debt and then yanking his clothing line (which is made there, if you can imagine the chutzpah) and having it made elsewhere. Bingo. A complaisant China, ready to pretend again that Asians are a minority and it’s still the American century.

    Oh, yeah, and they’ll stop teaching their kids so much better than we teach ours, too, so we don’t have to feel inferior.

    Suzanna, “a comb over combined with a comb up and criss cross.” Precisely. It’s the criss cross that demonstrates the man’s genius. We’ve all seen The Forehead Shelf, in which hair is combed forward from the back of the head and then pasted sideways across the forehead for that totally persuasive horizontal hairline. We’ve seen the Reddi-Wip, in which hair a foot long is combed up from back and sides and swirled. But the criss cross is, as far as I know, uniquely Trump.

    Phil, I think Trump is absolutely humorless, although I also think he’s calculating about what he does to stay in the limelight. It used to be said that there was no such thing as bad publicity, but we all knew better. Trump not only doesn’t know better, he chases bad publicity with the same determination and creativity he lavishes on his hair. It’s difficult for people like you and me to believe that someone actually pursues the title of World’s Number One Asshole, but there you are.

    Okay, Robb, you got a big loud laugh out of me. That’s really, really funny.

    Philip, speaking of CNN, I think they should put it on that big touch-screen John King is always fooling with, so he can blow it up and zero in at will.

    micael has penetrated the mystery within the mystery. Not only is Trump a rabbit, but he’s the Rabbit Who Would Be King.

    Gary, it took you that long to top “haireas”? You must have your mind on something else. (And I know what it is.)

  13. Susan Fleet Says:

    No amount of tweaking can fix the hair of Frumpy-Trump. No matter, the preposterous “do” is designed to hide the fact that there is no brain beneath the skull that wears it. Obfuscation is Trumpy-Pooh’s game. He wants Obama’s birth certificate? I want a copy of Trumpy’s college transcripts. Oh wait, I forgot. He didn’t go to college. No one who’s been to college could blather such incredible inanities.

  14. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Hi, Susan — I have a friend who believes he’s a space alien from a planet circling Arcturus who’s come here to eat America.

    It would explain the lack of a Trump birth certificate, since Arcturians carve their birth certificates into frozen methane. Might also explain the infinite amounts of gas Trump has at his command.

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