O’Malley By Moonlight

July 30th, 2011

The O’Malleython continues, as does your opportunity to win one of three (3) original, signed O’Malleys on Actual Artist Paper.

As promised, the second installment looks at modern love.   And along with the jokes, you get one of the rare O’Malley Interviews, in this case one he gave me while I was apparently under the influence of Ambien or some other memory-erasing drug, since it all feels so . . . fresh.

TIM: Other than your military record your bio is suspiciously thin. Would you care to comment on that?

MIKE: No.

TIM: You’ve mentioned that humor is generational. Please explain that comment.

MIKE: Why should I ?

TIM: In 1994 you were arrested for cross dressing

MIKE: This interview is over!

TIM: Those shoes are adorable.

MIKE: Okay, I’ll answer your questions. I thought that May 16th was Halloween because of leap year — a mistake anyone could have made.

TIM: Good. Let’s start again. Is humor generational?

MIKE: You should know.

TIM: Okaaaaay. Why the emphasis on your military career?

MIKE: What people don’t know is that although we are brothers, Tim is much older than me. Tim is also a veteran (he was wounded at Antietam, getting carpal tunnel syndrome from waving a white flag). While he was healing he lived at home. Long after most of his friends had careers and children and subsequently retired, Tim lived at home.

TIM: How much time did you serve for cross dressing?

MIKE: Time is relative.

TIM: Do you think you’re a role model for the LGBT community?

Mike: I just figured out what NATO stands for.

TIM: Some people say you “planted” THE LOST O’MALLEYS as a publicity stunt; while others call them the Rosetta Stone of cartooning. Would you care to comment?

MIKE: I thought it was Halloween.

TIM: You seem in a hurry.

MIKE: I have to go to the dentist.

TIM: In line with the highly developed romantic sensitivity these drawings display, I hear you’re addressing another thorny area of modern life.

MIKE: Yes,  O’Malley is embarking on a new venture. He has noticed a need for a no-nonsense line of communication between teens and jaded. delusional adults.

TIM: I wish I’d thought of that.

MIKE: I was in the dentist’s chair when I–

TIM: STOP THAT.

MIKE: Okay. My new venture is O’Malley’s “TIPS FOR TEENS.”  Parents and children alike will marvel at the Solomon-like advice effortlessly meted out as I help surly teens ease into surly adulthood.

TIM: I’d like to read that

MIKE: Why don’t we all read it together ?

Q. Pat in Sacramento asks- Is it possible to get pregnant on the first date?
A.  Only if you’re a girl, Pat

Q. 14 year old Jack writes in—Is acne contagious?
A. Sure, just look around you.

Q. Natalie asks for the following advice- Ramon, not his real name, wants
to marry me. What should I do?

A.  Find out his real name first.

. . . and more

Q. Rusty from Laguna Beach writes I’m a 17 year old boy stuggling with the temptation to cross dress. Do you have any advice?
A. Yes, use cold cream and baby wipes to remove your mascara.

Q. And finally Lolita 18, in Falls Church asks–I’m extremely sexually active. Should I tell my parents?
A. No tell me; what’s your telephone number?

These compelling and universal teenage questions will be accompanied by informative and anatomically correct cartoons.

Please leave a comment, because you increase your chance of winning a genine, ink-still-wet O’Malley.  We haven’t figured it out yet, but it will be along the lines of me closing my eyes and running my finger down the list of responses for each of the three posts, probably six times.  Anyone whose name comes up twice will absolutely win, and the remaining winners will be chosen through a mix of random chance and corruption.

Next up:  THE O’MALLEY CODE.

33 Responses to “O’Malley By Moonlight”

  1. EverettK Says:

    You guys should go on Dr. Phil.

    Really.

    Either that, or Saturday Night Live.

    Whichever, please just keep it in the barn, okay?

  2. sharai Says:

    Mike – You don’t know me but I am really sweet and innocent and I really want to win one of your cartoons because they are hilarious. I’ve never won anything before but I really think I have a chance here because the guidelines don’t say anything about being smart or witty or knowing how to write. I can tell from your cartoons that you are a good, kind, warm hearted person (unlike your brother who never picks me as a winner). Did I mention that I also think you’re very handsome?

    Tim – TUIOWPA? Really? I thought we’d been there done that!

  3. Tom Logan Says:

    How wonderfully refreshing! Thanks for making me giggle at 5:30 in the morning.

  4. Lil Gluckstern Says:

    I’m laughing so hard, I may miss breakfast. Who writes your material? I’d love an O’Malley because I would always get a spot in my heart when I looked at it. By the way, Tim, really different from your post on Murder Is Everywhere. But you see, this post is also in my frame of reference.

  5. michael hallinan Says:

    Hi, one and all. I hope O’Malley hasn’t worn out his welcome. EVERETT is now part of the O’Malley First Response Team and I award him his first merit badge. Our team works in tandem with Clowns Without Borders in a world wide mission to stamp out seriousness. (you too can help by sending a LARGE CHECK to “OK Tim” never mind.
    SHARAI- Your assessment of me is quite accurate. Your shameless flattery deserves reward.
    TOM- This is my favorite review. Who can giggle at 5:30 in the morning,(when decent people are still asleep)?

  6. Sharai Says:

    Seriously tho’ – Better than winning would be for you two brothers to team up and cartoon about family life.

  7. Phil Hanson Says:

    The cartoons, the interview, the “Tips for Teens” — all seriously funny stuff; hardest I’ve laughed in a long time (and it hurt so good). But I gotta tell ya, I’m with Sharai on this one; Team Hallinan is a great idea.

  8. Suzanna Says:

    Hi, Mike

    My friend Sharai is a calculating deceiver! She will stop at nothing to win one of your cartoons including self-deprecation, and over-the-top compliments to win your favor (although her compliments to you are the only truthful part of her campaign to win).

    She is not a witless goober and she knows it!

    But I do hope she wins one of your cartoons though, ’cause then I could at least go to her house and look at it with envy.

  9. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Well, well, well. I turn my back for an hour or two to WORK ON MY BOOK and what happens? People start begging for cartoons like witless goobers and others try to ingratiate themselves by calling others witless goobers, and I finally learn who it was giggling at 5:30 AM in that Motel Six in St. Louis and my brother Mike goes all lordly and starts handing out cartoons.

    Let me make one thing absolutely clear. When this contest is rigged, I’ll be the one to rig it, not some semi-employed cartoonist in some obscure beach town.

    And the very idea that I would team up with my brother. That chuffing sound you hear is hearty laughter. Oh, if you could only hear the abandon with which I am laughing. It would do you good.

    Sharai, I’ve forgotten what TUIOWPA was supposed to stand for, although I think it may have begun with “throwing up.” And not being witty may have less to do with your not having won than the fact you think Mike is better looking than I am.

    By the way, in case I didn’t make it clear, Mike wrote that whole bogus interview. I didn’t get a single punchline.

  10. michael hallinan Says:

    Hi LIL, we must have been writng at the same time because I missed your very complimentary remarks. Thanks for laughing so hard: dont miss breakfast. I’m told that’s the most important meal of the day. If I ever get up that early I may confirm it.

  11. Stephen Cohn Says:

    So many belly laughs on one page! Your advice to teens is filled with timeless wisdom. I would love to read a conversation on parenting between O’Malley and Michelle Bachman.

  12. Debbi Says:

    Ooh ooh!! Pick me! Pick me! *waving frantically*

    Or not. I don’t want to twist your arm. 🙂

  13. michael hallinan Says:

    Hello Goobers, witless or otherwise. SHARAI-I would love to team up with Tim but we are both mired in our own pursuits.
    PHIL-Tips for teens was my favorite too. I don’t write much so it was nice to hear that I made someone laugh with something other than a cartoon.
    SUZANNA-Always nice to hear from you.
    And thanks for the low-down on Sharai. Tim has insisted that the cartoons not be squandered on the unworthy. More to come maybe Wednesday.

  14. EverettK Says:

    Michael: Clowns Without Borders? I thought it was Clowns Without Boundaries, which is what you get when little boys who don’t know their boundaries grow up… well, at least older.

    Tim: You’re working on a BOOK! Why the hell didn’t you TELL us??? I thought you’d retired and were living off the earnings from leasing your website to anyone that wanted to spout off!

    And I assumed that TUIOWPA stood for “Tim’s Unknown, Intentionally Obscure, Willfully Patronizing Acronym.”

    BICBW

    (But I could Be Wrong)

  15. Lil Gluckstern Says:

    That’s what I get for checking so late. Now I’m laughing so hard, my reading time is being delayed (not a good thing). Everett, may I borrow BICBW? You fit right in there with the H. brothers.

  16. Usman Says:

    Teen question:
    I am a teen. Guess I’m a boy, tho my friends have me confused when they…but that stays in the barn, right?
    Anyway, I just read your advice on cross dressing. I wonder, if I’m doing the right thing by wearing hot pants under my jeans. Is that cross dressing?
    btw, my father insists on calling them underwear. My mother calls them panties.
    Please help?

  17. Usman Says:

    Guys, that was hilarious.
    No other praise being given, since flattery is unlikely to help. I’m sure cash sounds better.
    And yes do take my question seriously.

  18. John Lindquist Says:

    Michael, you are the new Thurber. Actually you do him one better. I see a compilation of cartoons and essays down the line.

    I enjoy your animal cartoons the most – which probably comes from my lifelong enjoyment of Pogo. (I have all the comic books.) While Pogo fans tend to give “we have met the enemy and he is us” as the most notable Pogo quote, I go more for that great non-sequitur, “Let’s all room together next semester.”

    BTW, somewhere in my correspondance archives is a letter from a Mike who had a brother also called Mike. Together they were Myke (which is plural for Mike).

  19. michael hallinan Says:

    I want to adress USMAN’S remarks first since he was the only one to offer cash.
    I think the diabolical puppetmaster that runs this contest could be swayed by a cross dressing briber.
    STEPHEN-Thanks for the belly laughs. The tips for teens will be followed at some time bt O’MALLEYS DOES AND DONTS FOR TEEN DATING. AT A BLOG NEAR YOU SOON!
    DEBBI- THE shear desparation of your plea touched my b.b. sized heart. Arm twisting I like too.
    LIL- I’m flattered that you would check in twice and am happy to hear you are still laughing.
    EVERETT-Its true that I grew old without growing up. CLOWNS WITHOUT BORDERS, however will see you in court.

  20. Laren Bright Says:

    I am a 67 year old teenager. How do I get it up if I’m not sitting in a Barkalounger? And speaking of generational, I have heard about “clap on, clap off. I know how to get clap on. How do I get clap off? Is this enough to win the cartoon? I really want it?

  21. EverettK Says:

    Michael: I have no fear of Clowns Without Borders in court; they’re far too busy, entertaining the Clowns Without Humanity in Washington, to bother with a small-time Clown Without Shame like me.

    But all Clowning aside, given how ridiculous the rest of a Clown looks, have you ever wondered what they’d look like naked? How about Clowns having sex? Does a Clown fart with a honking sound? These are the questions that keep me awake at night wondering, “Was that a Clown I just heard downstairs?”

  22. michael hallinan Says:

    LAREN-As an aging teenager myself (not unlike Dick Clark) this is a question that is dear to my uh heart. Tim feels you need professional help and I concur. To aid you, Tim has asked that you send him a stool sample as soon as possible. “DOC” O’MALLEY

  23. sharai Says:

    I feel exposed, vulnerable, and DESPERATE. How much $ will it take?

    The competition is so fierce I have no hope and am only saved from my despair by my non stop nose pinched laughter starting with the 1st cartoon all the way down to the last comment.

    Thanks to all of you, your loving goober.

  24. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    LIL — Thanks for referring to my other blog (on a DIFFERENT SITE, everyone, nyahhh nyahhhh nyahhhh). Nice to be reminded that I have a life outside my brother’s shadow.

    DEBBI, if it were up to me the fix would be in and you’d already have your cartoon. But Mike’s a control freak. When he finally makes the unilateral decision on who gets what, I’ll be sending his personal phone number and his home address to the losers, you should pardon the word.

    LAREN, please send the stool sample by registered mail. If you don’t, the Post Office will treat it like shit.

    EVERETT — A clown farting with a honking sound is really, really funny.

    SHARAI, this is getting embarrassing. But $145 in 20s and 5s will take care of it. Leave it in the big cuckoo clock in the living room.

    By the way, I don’t really have a brother named Mike. This is all my material.

  25. michael hallinan Says:

    JOHN -How did I miss you? The only no-nonsense guy like me on this blog. Thanks for the comparison to Thurber and Walt Kelly. (one of my earliest inspirations). Myke, singular

  26. Robb Royer Says:

    What barn? I don’t get it.

  27. Annie Says:

    Everett
    “But all Clowning aside, given how ridiculous the rest of a Clown looks, have you ever wondered what they’d look like naked? How about Clowns having sex? Does a Clown fart with a honking sound? These are the questions that keep me awake at night wondering, “Was that a Clown I just heard downstairs?””

  28. Annie Says:

    Everett quote!

    lol
    Enjoying this immensely!

    And gimping on astute participation.

  29. Larissa Says:

    Help! I’ve been eaten by WordPress. It threw some terrible error and then told me that I’d already posted that reply…except, it’s not there. But whatever (c: I was just wanting to add my two cents (or perhaps scents if you ask Everett…) and shower Michael with completely unabashed flattery, possibly offer money as well as a hamster as a token of my gratitude for all this hilarity.

    And Tim-we haven’t forgotten you…it’s just that you dangled the potential for prizes and ridiculousness in front of our faces and we all shamelessly took the bait. (c:

    I can’t wait for the next installment! And, how is the new book coming?

  30. Crenna Aesegas Says:

    I’m running to the bus that just left shrieking ME TOO, I got WORDPRESSED TOOOOOOO….it said I’d already said it but I hadn’t said it before! And now I can’t even, umm….remember…. oh phooey BUT IT WAS BRILLIANT, I know it was BRILLIANT! BTW, the dogs might be saying “Nice to Heat You Too”.

  31. Vena Says:

    I don’t have anything really profound to say other than you two (and Usman)crack me up!

  32. Malc Says:

    Hi guys – just logging in from a HOT Canary Island paradise ! Won’t be home for another week so I’ll catch up on all the gossip then 🙂

  33. sharai Says:

    In case you’ve forgotten me, I still want to win!

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