August 4th, 2011

All good things must come to an end, and so must O’Malley’s prolonged siege of this blog.

Since I don’t read directions, the third segment is devoted to the second theme O’Malley announced at the beginning of the first blog, all those months ago.  He calls it THE O’MALLEY CODE, which is a grandiose term for a catchall. And since I lose most of my e-mail, we’re going to conclude the narrative portion of this with the first part of Mike’s extremely undependable autobiography.  (He sent it to me in the right order, but I — oh, the hell with it.)

Mikey?  Take it.

Dear Reader:

I now have a curriculum vitae; no, it’s not an STD. I believe it is Latin (vulgate) for obituary.

I was a quiet child.  Excuse me . . .What’s that, Tim?


Ok, but there are there are things they need to know about me other than the name of our family dentist. Gary, Everett, Do you know the difference between a dentist and a sadist–a sadist has newer magazines.

I had an uneventful childhood except for my brief stint as a Mouseketeer, where I was known as Cubby. After an undistinguished college career I went into the military. While you slept comfortably on your down-filled mattresses I was coiled like a spring in a foxhole, ready to repel communist agression where and when it raised its ugly head. (Or maybe it’s sex that raises its ugly head).

Anyway, ugly heads were being raised. The exception was my head, which never quite cleared the top of the foxhole. They say there are no atheists in foxholes; there are also no bathrooms. Just something to think about: The next time you see a communist raise his ugly head he may be looking for someplace to go.

After the military my name was mentioned in the same hushed tones usually reserved for the likes of Sergeant York or Audie Murphy. Generals would say things like, “I wish they would have shot the son of a bitch” (in hushed tones) .

What, Tim?


OK. Last time I left you laughing (always leave them laughing) The joy one derives from cartooning varies. Sometimes it’s enough to know you’ve helped start somebody’s day with a smile. Other times there is the unbridled joy of pissing someone off.

This has been fun for me, and I just want to take advantage of this moment to thank the most wonderful brother a guy ever had —

Tim, I didn’t say any of that.

and to leave you with one more for the road.  You’ll say it and like it.

So this brings us to the moment you’ve all been waiting for: when we pick the winners. Comment here in the next 2-3 days, and we’ll announce the three winners on Sunday or Monday.  So far, everyone’s still in the running except Sharai, so comment away.

And thanks to mice for all the talent on display.  For example, this little doodle on the cardboard he used as a stiffener when he mailed me the cartoons.

19 Responses to “THE O’MALLEY CODE”

  1. EverettK Says:

    Ah, but not the ORIGINAL Cubby, who was a drummer, who I saw playing with Richard and Karen Carpenter in concert when I was in college. So there.

    But then, not a word in any of these columns can be trusted. Lies, DAMNED lies, and statistics!

    Make awkward sexual advances, not war!

    Now THERE’S a slogan to live by!

    It’s been a GREAT series of columns, Mycol, and thanks for all the protozoan parasites!

  2. Usman Says:

    Ok, I beat the rest of you laggards who claimed they were getting up early for the O’Malley specials.
    That should earn me my place in the hall of Malley. Is that good or bad?

    As always, thank you Mike and Tim, for starting my day with a laugh, and for free.
    Loved the one with the tortoise and rabbit, tread milling. Actually, loved them all.
    Oh, since I smell victory, on this early Friday morning–I do also have a Gold credit card, ahem, ahem.

  3. Tom Logan Says:

    “I drink to forget.” That’s the absolute best. Quiet, soft, clever, perfect. Thank you so much for the fun and games. Please, please, come back soon and often–your brother needs the comic relief.

  4. John Lindquist Says:

    The most subtle is often the most hilarious.

  5. Crenna Aesegas Says:

    Shoulder shrugging giggles! All those Awkward Sexual Advances probably made the option of war seem so …..inviting? War promised glory, victory, manhood confirmed, while awkward sexual advances were barely even promises. As one on the other end of those awkward sexual …..oh dear, this one’s going off the rails in the worst way….ANYWAY thanks for the giggles and groans and for renewing the pun in the day!

  6. Suzanna Says:

    Mike and Tim, Tim and Mike, you have made me smile today. Thanks! Love the little sketch, can that be in the running too?

    P.S. Please forget everything I said about Sharai the not-so-witless-goober. She is a real gem. Give her a shot, would ya, purdy please?

  7. sharai Says:

    Dear Cubby, Could we talk privately?

    You know you have always been my favorite of the brothers Hallinan. I’ve always thought of you as the d’Artagnan of the group. Some other pertinent information might be that my favorite cartoon is, “AND NO PROBING, RIGHT?”

  8. Lil Gluckstern Says:

    Hmmm. Thank you for the morning laugh. I love the tread mill one-mind bending as usual as the comment on foxholes. Remember in the movies, people don’t (usually) go to the bathroom. Your O’Malleys are as funny as your sketch is lovely. Tim, your love shines through-dare I say that?

  9. sharai Says:

    Susana, you are a true friend, let’s just hope they don’t find out about our plan to share the loot!

  10. Bonnie Says:

    As a family law attorney, I of course lust after the duelling couple!

  11. michael hallinan Says:

    Hi everyone I just wrote a long letter to all of you which now belongs to cyber space. I dont know what happened but as I scrolled up to check something it disappeared. I’ll start over tomrrow,sorry.

  12. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    My bro is winded from the exigencies of the Sawdust and a little irritable because Captcha ate his long response to all of you, so here I am to offend all of you in his place.

    EVERETT — mice was actually Karen, but when he went into the Army he had to lie for obvious reasons. And how come you still remember all this stuff? I thought you were relatively young. Relatively to me, anyway.

    USMAN, it doesn’t count that you got here early because Pakistan is like two days ahead of us. And if you want to increase your chances of winning, please e-mail me the card number, expiration date, and the three-digit security code on the back. It’s in the bag.

    TOM – Glad you liked the elephant joke, but surely one “please” would have sufficed. Anyway, he’s used up every joke he ever wrote.

    JOHN, you found one that was subtle? Please e-mail me off-list to tell me which.

    CRENNA, I have to agree that the bumper sticker is laugh-out-loud funny. He sent it to me by e-mail, which for him is very advanced (although he actually had a friend do it for him), and I wanted to put it up immediately, but he was very clear that it went in this batch.

    SUZANNA and SHARAI, nice double-teaming. But it’s (probably) a lost cause. Although, Sharai, you’re sooooo nice. I think maybe you should have worked the “nice” angle a little harder.

    LIL, always happy when this blog makes you laugh. Now that you’re the second person to single out the treadmill joke, I’ll confess that I didn’t get it at first. I saw the turtle’s mouth open and thought the caption had gotten cut off. Then Munyin saw it and laughed her butt off.

    SHARAI, Sorry, triple-teaming.

    And BONNIE — How ARE you? I suppose it speaks well for things that you could read the cartoons. Congratulations!!!

  13. EverettK Says:

    Tim said: And how come you still remember all this stuff? I thought you were relatively young. Relatively to me, anyway.

    I am young, relative to you. Fortunately for me, Mice is relative to you, not ME!

    And I didn’t do drugs, so my memory is up there with the elephant. But, in the last couple of years, I’ve started making my own wine. Some memories you just need to forget…

  14. michael hallinan Says:

    GREATINGS EARTLINGS I have looked everywhere for my lost message, even under the couch. No luck, but I did find my wallet.
    EVERETT- I was the original Cubby.. For reasons I dont want to go into they tried to change my name to Stubby. I doubt Sharai would be shamelessly flirting with me if the name had stuck. I was forced to resign. As for Tim’s Karen story, well Karen was still better than Stubby.
    USMAN- A gold credit card could easily bribe us–just dont use stocks.
    TOM- The elephant joke was one of my earliest and in some way autobiographical.
    JOHN- Subtle? I like it.
    CRENNA- Giggles are good, the groans I’m not so sure about. p.s. I love your name.
    SUZANNA-Sharai is now officially back in the running. I know what you’re thinking-“What a guy” and there is some truth to that. Thanks for the smiles.
    SHARAI- Did you just call me an orangatang in French? All private discussions are off. Signed Stubby
    BONNIE- Good to hear from you again and I may need your services for you know who.
    TIM- The best brother a guy could have.
    COMING UP! O’MALLEY DOES DALLAS-yes an “adult” themed look at O”malley’s world that panders to your basest instincts…WHATS THAT TIM?, over your dead body…
    EARTHLINGS,I now return control of this blog to Tim (resistance is futile).

  15. Suzanna Says:

    (Probably) a lost cause??? Wow, now that hurts, T!

    That double-teaming idea was not mine, but I agree, Sharai might have won more favor from the Blogger-In-Chief had she paid him the most over-the-top compliments, sibling rivalry and all that.

    On the other hand, your very nice brother tells me she’s still in the running so maybe double-teaming is the only chance I have left.

    Oh what the heck, since it’s (probably) just a lost cause for me anyway, Pppppppwwopidal;kfa;lkdf;kmn.,;dsljad;ddthhshhshhdd!!!!

  16. Mike Schimmer Says:

    “I drink to forget.”
    Forget what?
    “I dunno. I forget.”

  17. Usman Says:

    Since you guys already have my card no, I consider my self, already, the founding Patron of this new and enterprising, enterprise.
    Please make that a lifetime subscription. The honey shall flow… OK, censor that last line. We’ll use it later.

  18. Sharai Says:

    OK, here’s the truth.

    I really don’t give a flying leap about winning. I was just trying to be one of the gang. I am just so grateful for all the laughs these incredible brothers have provided these past weeks. I also want to testify that even tho’ Tim gets a little snippy on this blog, he is really the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet.

    The ‘toons are deserving of the ‘cartoon hall of fame’, but I am just not a materialistic girl and don’t need one on my wall. My dear friend Suzanna however has prepared a shrine in her home for one. She is very deserving and would love it like a second child.

    Thanks for listening.

  19. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Ohmigod. Shari – and we’d just decided to give you one.

    I really love you and Zanna.

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