The 2011 Realie Awards

November 13th, 2011

Yup, time for the Realies, the highly prized Best Reality Show Awards given by me whenever I feel like it.  As I’m sure you all remember the Realie is a Chinese duplicate of a  Baccarat crystal globe containing wisps of miraculously captured fog, on a base of faux-marble and a Brassticized© brass-colored plastic plate that says, It’s been real.

Normally, the Realies for 2011 would be given in 2012, but this year the results were clear months ago.  In an unprecedented sweep ALL the Realies go to . . . The Republican Party.

Not since the premiere of “Storage Wars” and the infamous “Khloe’s Butt Augmentation” segment on “The Kardashians” has there been anything to match the Republican debates.  The format is brilliantly simple. Seven, or eight, or nine, or in one case, two candidates attempt to devour each other in front of an audience of sycophants and a moderating panel made up of deeply hostile “gotcha” specialists.  I mean, the hatred between the mods and the audience is almost enough on its own.  But it doesn’t have to be.

Because we’ve also got the candidates.

Reading from Right to Far Right, they include:

Herman Cain, who wears a different suit for every meal, hanging for dear life to “nahn nahn nahn” and trying to bring the discussion back to “Thangs the Amercan people cayuh about” while women bleed through the floorboards to claim he put his hand up their skirts.  And who, by the way, seems to have received a boost in the polls since the issue surfaced.  The pollsters do not, however, say that the polls were limited to guys who have lockers at their place of work and still put pinups on the inside of their locker doors.

Michele Bachmann, the only candidate in history with French-style nails, quietly seething either at the end, or close to the end, of the lineup, her tiny, well-tended fists clenched in front of her stomach, her pinwheel eyes darting all over the place as she waits eagerly for a blasphemous opinion, a personal swipe, or a glance from one of the moderators, who mostly treat her like the ugliest chair in the room.   I will venture an opinion that will undoubtedly get me in trouble with people all over the map: Bachman is proof that an attractive woman can be not only non-sexy, but anti-sexy.  Boy, talk about a chill wind. hip-high.

Rick Perry, spewing venom like a Texas Spitting Gila, trying to smile away the surges of homicidal energy that seize his soul every time Mitt Romney talks.  (It’s apparently not true that his podium contains a stack of phone books he tears in half when the camera’s not on him.)  Occasionally loses the thread, running out of government departments he wants to eliminate, when he realizes that once again, Herman Cain has a better suit. Proof positive, if more proof were needed, that Fundamentalism is in fact only a single step away from Simplicity.

Tim Pawlenty, if I’ve got his name right, is a very tall man.  Oh, yeah, and he’s got the stiff face of the smart brother no one in the family will listen to.  And he gets the “I need to say something” award for his demands for reply time whenever one of his opponents uses a sentence with a misconjugated verb in it, which, to be charitable, is relatively frequent.  My personal belief is that Pawlenty is in the campaign in the first place to drive up his speaking fees.

Mitt Romney, the only one in the race whose first name seems somehow to be spelled backwards, is continually described as the most “presidential” candidate in the field, which means (I think) that he wears clothes well but not suspiciously well (like Cain and Perry), is tall (but not intimidatingly tall, like Paw –uh — Pawlenty), is good-looking (but not saturnine, like Perry), belongs to a religion everyone is very careful not to call a cult (but is not foam-at-the-mouth crazy, like Bachmann and Perry), and never says anything he means.  He has the ultimate presidential qualification of being able to say anything as though he believes it, has always believed it, and thought it up all by himself.  And he has proved, during some of the debates’ most fractious moments, that he can pour oil on the troubled waters.  Problem is, it seems to be hair oil.  He also benefits from being the only one on the stage who doesn’t terrify the moderators.

And then there’s the anti-Romney, the most interesting figure on the stage, Ron Paul, who never, ever says anything he doesn’t believe and hasn’t believed since inception.  (He is, as far as I know, the only figure on the American political scene of whom that can be said.)  Who else would call for Draconian cuts in defense — bring all the troops home on Tuesday morning, close all the overseas bases, hold people accountable for billion-dollar weapon systems that are dumped before they’re used — in front of a crowd who prepared for the debate by eating raw meat, preferably veal?  Of course, with Paul you gotta take the bad with the good, including his conviction that the proper place for 21st-century America is in the 18th century.

The most frequently-used words to describe Paul are “surprising” (because he keeps registering in the polls) and “unelectable” (because he looks like a 2,000-year-old apple doll, doesn’t dye his hair, means what he says, and scares the beJeezus out of everyone).  But you know he’d cut the federal budget to pocket money three weeks into his first term and that we’d be running a surplus two years in.  And we’d be burning coal in our cars and strip-mining Honolulu.  Except that the Repuglicans and the Damnocrats would actually work together to rein him in and preserve the roadblock in Washington.

But it would be a bipartisan roadblock.

So, I’ll be in front of my set for ALL the upcoming debates, taking in the rich panoply of American political life and watching all these high-powered individuals come up with new ways to hate each other.  I’ve left a few out, I think, but who cares?

Wouldn’t miss it.

11 Responses to “The 2011 Realie Awards”

  1. michael hallinan Says:

    Are you saying there is something going on between Ron Paul and Kloe Kardashian? And, if you like, you can watch Storage Wars in Farsi on channel 308. The debates are also on 308 in Farsi and make much more sense.

  2. Suzanna Says:

    Thanks, Tim. I can’t even stomach the news right now, and have no appetite to learn more about the Republican presidential hopefuls, but I enjoy reading what you have to say, and applaud you for paying attention. In fact reading this is as fun as watching Jon Stewart trying to make sense of them all. Funny stuff.

  3. Debbi Says:

    Tim,

    I think it’s high time I introduced you to this blog: http://world-o-crap.blogspot.com/

    And the bloggers, Scott Clevenger: http://twitter.com/#!/scottclevenger and Mary Clevenger: http://twitter.com/#!/maryclevenger who are both awesome.

    Plus I’ve mentioned their blog twice on one of mine.

    Here: http://midlistlife.wordpress.com/2011/10/21/a-world-o-crap-about-perry-mason-and-more/

    And here: http://midlistlife.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/sam-makes-a-late-birthday-motion/

  4. Debbi Says:

    Let’s try that again.

    Scott: http://twitter.com/scottclevenger
    Mary: http://twitter.com/maryclevenger

  5. EverettK Says:

    Thanks, Tim! I, too, am enjoying the political hell out of this Republican’t primary season, mostly because I don’t think ANY of them are electable (not that I’m ALL that happy with Obama, but he beats the little demons out of ANY Republican’t I’ve seen in… oh, most of my life.

    If only the Democranks would learn how to phrase their issues (and stick TO them) rather than giving in at the first “No!” from the Republican’ts.

    No, actually, if only a third party would form up with party planks of:

    1) Pass an amendment declaring that corporations and organizations of multiple people are NOT people, and do NOT necessarily have the same guarantee of rights as individual PEOPLE.
    2) Pass an amendment declaring that money is NOT speech, thus allowing laws that limit paid lobbyists, massive contributions to candidates, massive ad campaigns that drown out ALL other voices, etc.
    3) Pass an amendment limiting ALL Senators, Congresscritters, Presidents and Supreme Court Judges to a maximum of 12 years of crapping on the rest of us.
    4) Pass laws limiting the size/scope of corporations, preventing too-large-to-fail situations.
    5)…well, I’d best not get TOO carried away…

    A party that focused on improving GOVERNMENT (by making it more independent from all of the big money influences) rather than trying to do social engineering (whether of the LEFT flavor or the RIGHT flavor), or lining their own pockets, or sustaining their unending ride on the honey wagon, might actually do some good.

  6. Gary Says:

    Far be it from me as an outsider to comment on GOP politics. But I’m struck (to quote Rooster Cogburn) that people can major on this stuff when there are so many real issues out there.

    I mean, for gosh sake, it’s barely two weeks since Kim Kardashian’s heart-wrenching divorce. Doesn’t anybody care?

  7. Robb Royer Says:

    First of all, Everett, I’ll thank you not to pre-empt my screeds while I cower here wondering if they’re too controversial. What you mention can only be affected by the president if he can get a few Torquemadas off the supreme court, easily the worst in 150 years. The gangster Scalia and his lapdog Thomas are primarily responsible for many of the indefensible outrages you mention.

    As far as the debates, what about the crowd? Kooky bunch! I think they must have been culled from French Revolutionary guillotine mobs and transported on site by time machine. Actually that bunch might have been a tad too liberal for the Repubs but in the area of blood lust, they match up pretty well.

    2 moments:

    Moderator: Governor Perry, during your administration the state of Texas has executed 247 prisoners…
    (huge cheer from the crowd)

    or…

    Moderator: Congressman Paul, if a person did not have insurance and would die without treatment would you just let him die…?
    (another huge cheer accompanied by loud YEAHs)

    Hmmmmm

  8. EverettK Says:

    First of all, Robb, you can’t possibly be controversial. You are, after all, over 25. Aren’t you? At times, it’s hard to tell: it seems you’re still living in High School… Your semi-biographical screeds seem to be appearing at roughly the same rate that you lived them. At this rate, I’m not sure I’ll survive to read about your Bread years, leave us not even mention your post-Bread years.

    Second of all, should I live so long, if the Republican’ts win any more elections, it will probably be a non-issue, as remembering such un-American times will no doubt become an actionable felony.

    So please write more quickly! Or should I be castrating …er… castigating Tim for sitting on them?

    reCaptcha: ptities 1879
    Hmm…

  9. Stephen Cohn Says:

    Tim – Hysterical observations about what, I agree, is the most comical array of candidates for president in my lifetime – it’s a national embarrassment exaggerated by the information age.

    Robb – The value of those two audience cheers you mention: In case we were wondering what’s up with people who could support Perry or Bachmann to be leaders of the free world, now we know what’s in their hearts.

  10. Lil Gluckstern Says:

    I love the post and the back bloggers. What is frightening is that this is a real reality show. I agree with Robb about the Supreme Court, and it is terrifying to think of listening to these people talk to other leaders of other countries-oh wait. What a mess we’re in.

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