Celebrity Bye-Bye

June 3rd, 2009

Okay, it’s a culture of fame.  But even fame has a use-by date.

Five people I would like never to see or hear from again.


Courtney Love:  Is there any reason for her still to be around, ambushing us from magazines, claiming credit for Nirvana, suing everybody she ever met?

So Kurt made a mistake.  He married her.  We didn’t.  Can we have our lives back now?



Joan Rivers:  Is anything original left?  How much plastic surgery can someone have before it becomes landscaping?

And how long has it been since she said anything funny?

What a career: from walking the red carpet to standing next to it, sniping at people’s clothes.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Nobody snipes at her face.  Except me, I mean.


Bob Barker:  I know, he quit.  But he keeps coming back.

And so he’s nice to animals.  He should just have been that nice (or maybe a little less nice) to the women on the show.

Plus, he did one hand gesture through a fifty-year career.  With the same hand.


Heidi Pratt:  Let me get this straight.  She and Spencer quit “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” because “Super-celebrities don’t belong in the jungle.  They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi.”  Did Spencer really say that?   Super celebrities?

And did Heidi really say, “My goal is to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ, a Mother Teresa helping the poor and the hungry”?

Don’t they have poor, hungry people in the jungle?



Sean Penn: Oh, lighten up, for Christ’s sake.

Yes, he’s a good actor.  Yes, he was hilarious in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” the uber-stoner performance of all time.

What is it?  Do his feet hurt?  Is it really so agonizing to be a movie star?

Maybe he needs a week in the jungle.  Preferably with Heidi and Spencer.

There.  I got all that out of my system.

Anybody else got a nomination?  David Hasselhoff doesn’t count.

21 Responses to “Celebrity Bye-Bye”

  1. Suzanna Says:

    Tim, your blog has taken an interesting turn. Deliciously catty. I like it!

    I agree with your entire list except for Sean Penn. He is overbearing at times, and I hate that he keeps jerking his wife around, but I love his work and would be sad not to see him act again.

    So in the spirit of full participation here goes my list but I’m really sorry that I can’t be as clever and funny as you have been about explaining why these nominees made my list. All I can say is that I’m embarrassed to admit that I waste time reading about some of these jokers. Most of the rest of them I’m sick of seeing in the news and don’t understand why or how they got there or why they haven’t disappeared yet.

    In no particular order.

    Paris Hilton

    Lyndsay Lohan

    Tori Spelling and her mother

    Britney Spears

    Octomom (well, sort of a celeb)

    Michael Jackson

    Jonas Brothers

    Miley Cyrus and her dad

    John Mayer

    Eddie Murphy

    Kanye West

    Ugh, I feel kinda gross now.

  2. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    A fine balanced, well-rounded list with just a hint of oak and blackberry. There are celebrities you get sick of and then there are those you wish you’d never heard of in the first place, and Octomom falls squarely in the latter category. So naturally she’s getting her own reality TV show, although I think that’s stretching the concept of reality.

    I like the celebrities who have ten days in the limelight. There’s a 63-year old man in Japan who just got out of jail for murder, after decades behind bars, and the first thing he did was file for an old-age pension. So today I love him. In America, he’d get a reality TV show and I’d have to hate him.

    I especially like the addition of Kanye West. Talk about tiresome.

  3. Cynthia Mueller Says:

    Donald Trump (and everyone else named Trump)

    Brangelina (and anything to do w/Jen)

    Madonna (unless she comes out with a new albumn)

    Jon Gosselin (Kate and the 8 are okay, though)


    John Barr (a pitchman for a local car dealer)

    My captcha: the deklatel (A possible title for a fantasy novel?)

  4. Suzanna Says:

    I’m glad you listed a celebrity you like. I think I’ll do the same. It can counteract the grossed out feeling I got from making my previous list. Here’s one. I like the nun, age 78, who at 48 started running as some sort of spiritual exercise. Since then she’s done 40, yes, 4-0 Iron Man triathlons! She says she’s broken numerous bones including her hip three times and almost every one of her toes and fingers and she’s still running. She must have the spirit of highest good on her side.

    Better, not so grossed out now.

    Here’s my captcha:

    Such fuchs.

    Not kidding either.

  5. Dana King Says:

    I’m sure I’ll think of a few names later today, but for now I’ll settle for a comment that may say more about me than the celbrity mentioned:

    Who the hell is Heidi Pratt?

  6. suzanna Says:

    Dana, I too have no idea who Heidi Pratt is but I do know that David Letterman called Spencer a weasel. I think I’ll take Dave’s word for it.

  7. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Dana, Suzanna, you guys are SOOOOO culturally impoverished. Heidi Pratt (nee Montag) is the former star of MTV’s breathtakingly shallow “reality” show “The Hills,” where she met and married “super celebrity” Spencer Pratt.


    Cynthia, that’s a ripely redolent list of people who have been left in the sun in a ZipLoc bag too long. All things Trump, indeed. And I agree with you about Jon Gosselin, but I hate Kate even more. Madonna has been extinct for years, what people see is the sheer momentum of talentless overdrive. (They say by the time you’re 40, you have the faace you deserve, and she’s definitely got hers) And Regis!! Yes!!

    I like your nun, too.

    Captcha is About feebly. Hmmmmmm.

  8. Thomas Says:

    These are my main, hmm, concerns today:

    Emeril Lagasse – Because “Bam” and “Kick it up a notch” wasn’t funny the first time around. Mysteriously, he went from mediocre cook to TV celebrity, who now mostly peddles over-priced gumbo in his tacky boardwalk Cajun restaurants. Lenny Bruce was wrong. Neon doesn’t go to Miami to die. It goes to Emeril’s. Hasn’t this man reached his expiration yet?

    Every “Real” Housewife on Bravo – A group of utterly bored celebrity wannabees, desperate for attention, who exude contempt for life. No high school clique ever behaved this way. When people on TV see in-fighting as something noble and believe that marrying the right bank account somehow qualifies you as the pinnacle of evolution, the viewer’s only possible conclusion is that you can’t reason with narcissism.

    Sean Hannity – Picture this! A lab, fifty years ago, hidden away, filled with test tubes, body odor, stale air, and desperation. In one corner, the rabid little Yorkie, sitting in his cage, foaming, yipping just because he can. In the other corner, little Billy, twelve, teacher’s pet, used to licking up and kicking down, runny nose. Dr. Hank mixes genes from the two, fills a tube with the grayish, foul smelling protoplasm, and slowly walks upstairs, with a look of disappointment on his face…

  9. Phil Hanson Says:

    Would it be out of place to suggest adding dick Cheney’s name to the list?

  10. suzanna Says:

    Phil, Dick Cheney belongs at the top of anyone’s list. I’m glad you included him.

  11. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Thomas, you’re batting 1000. Can’t believe Sean Hannity wasn’t on my list. By the way, will the cleanup crew they send for Sean do a little detour and pick up the ripening remains of Rush while they’re at it. And ALL reality TV stars can go except for, ummm, two of the girls on Next Year’s Top Model.

    Phil, dick is definitely a lower-case “D” and yes, he should be on the long coal chute out of here.

  12. Phil Hanson Says:

    Suzanna, I’m so glad you approve. May I also add Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter and Ozzy Osbourne to the list?

    An astute observation, Tim. Anyone who knows me knows that the lower-case “D” (diminutive little rascal, isn’t it?) was no typo.

  13. Larissa Says:

    Thomas-I couldn’t agree with you more. Seriously-you think if I add Douchebag to my resume and a tag line about how i use strategic retardation in public I could get a job like Sean Hannity too? Please? Jesus. (c:

    I think most of the people I really truly hate are listed here…except maybe

    Chris Brown…really don’t care anymore about that “news story”

    Sarah-I’m-The-Anti-Christ-Palin’s Daughter Bristol (Brisquet…Bisquick..whateverthehell her name is..) and her retarded kid.

    Yeah…I don’t think I can bring myself to think of any more without feeling like I need to take a shower.

    Question: What post did I miss that has this captcha thing going on? I’m confused. I keep looking at the loop, hoping I can get back in. (c:

  14. Cynthia Mueller Says:

    I forgot to include TomKat.

  15. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Bill O’Reilly!!! Chris Brown!!!! Sarah PALIN!!!! TomKat!!!!!!

    and . . .

    ANNNNNNNNNNNE COULTER!!!!!!!!!!! Who should be sawed into quarter-inch cross-sections and set into cement as an organic sidewalk. Except that she’d probably kill every plant within a hundred yards.

  16. Cynthia Mueller Says:

    You know, Tim. This post of yours (and the comments) pretty much eliminate your future political career. You do know that, right?

    Captcha: Schwartz aramaic

    PS to Larissa: At the bottom of the screen for posting comments is the anti-spam feature that requires you to type the words shown in the graphic window. Sometimes the words are innocuous. Sometimes they are funny. If you get a funny one, go ahead and post it in your comment!

  17. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    Oh, my God — that was my fallback. When I got tired of making millions writing fiction, I was going to go into politics. One more escape hatch closed to me. I may have to be a fireman yet.

    My Captcha is very funny (to me) because I just finished the edit/rewrite of a book featuring a burglar named Junior Bender. The Captcha is Jr changes.

  18. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    I have nothing to say but the Captcha is Kissinger olfactory.

    Just had to put it on the record.

  19. Cynthia Mueller Says:

    OK, this is getting serious. I’m logging in to read the comments, and scrolling down just to check out the captcha:

    folder $19,600,000

    (Perhaps the advance I’ll get for selling Casual Duty? I hope it’s not referring to some sort of correspondence from the IRS in my future.)

  20. Timothy Hallinan Says:

    You got my Captcha!!!!!

    Unless, of course, it DOES refer to the IRS, in which case it’s definitely yours/

  21. Murray Gierke Says:

    Horrible news. Appreciate what little time on this Earth she had to make us chuckle.

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