December’s 3 Dumbest Spams

January 15th, 2008

We all get spam, especially those of us who attempt to run a website, and we all know that it’s a drag on bandwidth, a waste of time, a flagrant misuse of some semi-miraculous technology. But my biggest problem with it is that most of it is so stupid. If there are really 500 million spam messages being sent daily, they have to be dragging the planet’s cumulative IQ down toward the zone usually occupied by objects made of wood.

Here are the three dumbest spam messages I received on this site in December:

1. I cannot agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts but you got I looking for!

That message was sent to me, word for word, by Naked Chubby Grannies, and I don’t mean to sound cynical, but I have to say that it just doesn’t read like something a group of Naked Chubby Grannies would get together and write. Or, at least, not Naked Chubby Grannies whose first (or even second) language is English. And since my interest in Naked Chubby Grannies is, to be charitable, somewhat thin, it’s pretty much a minimum deliverable that they be able to speak English. If I can’t talk to them, what am I supposed to do?

2. Man i just love your blog keep the cool posts comin . . .

This minimalist, hipster, e.e. cummings-influenced communication was sent to me by Petroleum Refinery, and what a surprise. It’s changed my entire image of the petroleum refining industry; whereas I used to think of refineries as toxic behemoths belching poisonous fumes, I now see them sitting in dim corners in coffee houses, wearing berets, dangling Gauloises from their lower lips, and snapping their fingers in appreciation of the cool posts I keep comin on my blog.  Too cool for the room.

3. uryhz egvlmayk igklewxdp yehtz towimcjb hqzcmx lvtc

Okay, I give: What is it with this crap? This one came from fgmedlt dxwaqrtz, and there’s no way I can find anything of informational value in either the name or the message. Is this the work of some enslaved corps of illiterate trolls on the steppes of the Ukraine or somewhere, trolls who have been given little stone laptops with no letters printed on the keys and who have been taught to type with their tongues in the snow, and their tongues keep freezing to the cold stone keys? Or what? Can anybody enlighten me on this? Or have I just inadvertently passed on a message to the aliens among us, telling them that as of Tuesday it’s cool if they eat everybody?

There were thousands of messages that were dumb enough to make the finals, but space prohibits my listing them all. Let me just leave you with this message, in its entirety, from Ethel Hood, which could conceivably be an alias: Redmond said her dog Coco started barking around 3 AM. She said she thought about getting out of bed to check . . .

Boy, the next time I’m stuck for an opening sentence for a novel, I’m turning straight to Ethel Hood. This is the kind of thing that has readers stubbing their noses on the words.

2 Responses to “December’s 3 Dumbest Spams”

  1. Cynthia Mueller Says:

    Hey, not all SPAM is dumb. Without SPAM, I wouldn’t never have had a clue that my “gurlfend was laffing at my demenutive peenus’ behind my back. And judging from the volume of messages I receive daily, it seems that “my gurlfend” told everyone in the world about my gross inadequacy in the bedroom equipment department. (I am sorta surprised that my husband never mentioned this gross deficiency even once during our 18 years together.)

    And I would send them all the money they require to resolve my embarrassing bedroom situation, but I spent it all on Viagra w/o a prescription and the rest of my bank account mysteriously disappeared while trying to help a Nigerian diplomat with a minor temporary financial irregularity, oh there was than online gambling tournament that didn’t work out as I’d expected.

    Oooh lookie here! I can get a collage degree overnight for only $100.

  2. Elizbeth Emme Says:

    Clever blog!

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